but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize
