Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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