Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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