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Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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