Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I want to be your penis for a week.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
