I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
