My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
