Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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