She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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