i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
