Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
