i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
