he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
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his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
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Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.