I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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