Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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