i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Randomize