Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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