No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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