his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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