I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
