if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
After tacos, we're chasing women.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
