Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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