She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
