whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
