Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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