There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
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hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
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I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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