I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
