You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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