You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
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well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
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you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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