i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
