Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
