mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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