Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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