Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
