Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
