i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
