wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
