my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
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His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.