I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.