when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....