Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
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My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
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I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.