Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
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The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
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I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.