My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.