I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth