im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
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Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
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Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?