no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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