I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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