I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
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The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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