The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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