i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
