True but thats because hes a fetus.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
