took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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