woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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