I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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