Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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