the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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