I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
