sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
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just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
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Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
please don't ironically join a cult
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