her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
