I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
