come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
