Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
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He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
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Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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