I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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