I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I will pee on everything he values.
Rumble strips road head = magical
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
