you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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